I could drive the route with my eyes closed. I know the map like the back of my hand. The doors swing open but catch as they close. I pause catching it as though it is the door I walk through every day without hesitation. The faces I see are ones that I have seen more of than those of my own family. They have stepped in and have become my family. Memorized are their eyes, their voices and their beautiful smiles full of hope. Tonight as I sit and think back on this journey I can not believe those eyes, those voices and those smiling faces will slowly fade out of my life. A life that has been built around the idea of family. A family they have tried so desperately to help us create. A journey with ups and downs that all lead to this one final moment in time.
The time to be afraid has passed. Tears can no longer fall at the thought of what has once been lost. I will close my eyes and look up to the beaming sun and feel the rays as they embrace me in a hug that could only have been sent by God. Telling me that I may not know or understand my path or journey but He does. I hear Him whisper into my ear. Trust me, I shall never let you fall and not be there to pick you back up. Go forth with faith and believe in you and believe in the world that is greater than all of us.
Tomorrow morning at exactly 11:30 am I will walk into the procedure room one last time. Booties will be the fashionable foot attire. We will all be modeling the same caps and gowns. As I hop onto the gurney the room will dim as things start to move and rustle in areas we can not see. I will settle in and for the first time I will see my last little embryo who has been patiently waiting on us to just make it back to him. My last chance at becoming a mama will be seen through the lens of a microscope. I grab tightly onto Greg's hand because this is not just the moment I become a mama but it is also the moment when Greg will become a dad. Together in this moment we become something greater that ourselves.....we become parents. A bond no one will ever be able to take away. In a magical moment that takes mere seconds life will be transferred and brilliantly I will find myself a little over three weeks pregnant.
Tonight I have done everything I could possibly do within my tiny human powers that I have. Tests have been ran, levels have been monitored and all is set for the biggest moment of my life. I have walked this path twice before but somehow the ground beneath my feet feels fresh and new. Full of anticipation and hope. I wish I had the ability to memorize every moment because it something I never want to forget. I will never be here again and I never want to forget where it all started.
As we bid farewell to our amazingly brilliant team of the most compassionate individuals I will ever meet the clock will not stop for even a moment. As we watch the seconds, minutes and hours pass by I will find myself snuggled into my bed for a much needed rest. The hardest part of this journey is only starting. Waiting is deafening and the future is terrifying but yet I somehow find a way to see the possibility of joy.
A Christmas wreath has been placed on the table next to my bed. Reminding me of one of my favorite things. Movies have been collected and shows are recorded. Magazines have been piling up and a book that has been calling my name for weeks is finally going to be cracked open. Day's will turn into a week of bed rest and slowly the world will knock at the door begging me to once more step outside, feel the sun and see the beauty. I will hide under my covers for as long as I can. I will feel the outside tugging at my toes a little more each day. Slowly it will pull the covers back. I will no longer be able to hide and escape. I will be woken up by the sun calling me out to play just in time to learn the fate of our future.
I honestly do not know if this last round will work but I have to believe it will. I believe in things everyday that I can not touch or see. Why would I not allow myself to believe once more even after the toughest moments we have experienced????? It is simply impossible.. I believe in laughter. I believe in love. I believe in miracles. I believe.....I believe.....I believe.....I believe.......
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