Let It Be

The pain is so unbearable. It goes beyond the physical aspect and reaches in and grabs your heart and freezes your soul. This pain is not new but something I have had to get used to. In my naive state of mind I just thought once was enough and what kind of world would let it happen again. Yet, here I am physically holding onto my unborn child waiting for the day I once again am forced to release it. Release it and let it go to where only beauty is seen, pain does not exist and love truly is all around. Here in the physical world I will be left to search for beauty amongst the color of grey, feel the pain of loss and pray that one day I will see beauty once more.

I wallow in grief every waking moment. Sleep is restless and in the haze between dreams and reality I forget where I am and what I am preparing for. As reality comes back the heaviness falls back on my trembling body. The weight is almost to heavy to bare and carry throughout the day. I find myself still and focusing on imperfections surrounding me allowing a moment of respite. A car drives by, I hear small talk pass and my concentration is broke and another step is forced. 

There is no pleading this time. I have not begged my little Bean to stay for even a moment longer than need be. Those pleas and cries fall on deaf ears and I am the only one who hears them. The please are replaced with anger and shouting to the skies above. Why does this keep happening? What have I done so wrong in this life that this constant pain is my eternal punishment? Why is it so easy for others and yet so difficult for me? Why I ask over and over until I loose the strength to cry out once more.

I want to smell the top of my babies sweet head after a bath. I want to count ten little fingers and ten little toes. I want to hear the word mommy. Yet again, the simplest request so many take for granted has been taken away once more. Joy celebrated has turned to unending grief and so many questions will always remain unanswered. I count down the days until the pain is numb and life is carried on through wrote memory allowing a much needed emotional rest until I am ready to face life once more.

I am part of a larger plan. A plan that involves growth through pure joy and unbearable pain. I walk this path with others but at times know I will feel so alone. I do not understand the plan in this moment; however, I do know there is something greater for me on the horizon. I have faith that all will be right within my world and one day I will look back and have my aha moment. All the pain and loss will have carried me to a moment greater than I thought possible. Joy I have never experienced will make the brokenness of today prepare me for the life of tomorrow. 

Until then I will be angry and I will not apologize for my thoughts of hate and resentment. I will heal the only way I know how......one minute at a time until it becomes one day at a time. Eventually weeks will pass and the pain will lesson but the memory will never leave. Today I have you still here with me and tomorrow you will join my other angel and guide me through the rest of my life until one day I will see your face. I will stop and I will smell your sweet head. I will count your ten fingers and your ten toes. Then the words I have prayed to hear  my entire life will finally be heard......I will hear you call me mommy.