Fear

My days are filled with isolation. The silence that surrounds me leaves to much room for contemplation. Scenario after scenario run through my thoughts. I want her here now. I want to see her so that I can see for myself she is perfect. I want my body to start to heal itself before it is too late. It was never if complications would arise but when. When is here......when is now. Time is precious and the battle within myself has begun. 

I see the fear cross his beautiful face as he silently thinks about his wife and daughter. Will we be alright......will we come home as a family of three???? He reminds me in his embrace and gentle touches as he talks to his daughter that without me there is no life. Without me there is no family. If given a choice I would be his choice. For me she comes above all. It is a silent battle we fight without allowing the words to escape our lips and truly pierce our reality. How did I ever become so loved and cherished......how is it that I deserve this perfect moment in time???? 

Most of the time I will not say it out loud. I do not want to be the weak one. I want to approach the finish line with grace and bravery. I want my daughter to see how much she is loved at every turn in the road and never doubt she was wanted. To say she was wanted is an understatement. We longed for her, begged and pleaded for her and fell to our knees proposing the undeliverable to whomever was listening. I am so afraid of loosing. I am so afraid that they could lose me. I said it.....I am blanketed in fear struggling to find an opening that will allow to breathe once more.

Together we have beat the odds. Together we have found bravery hidden within. She is a fighter just like her mama. We do not give up or give in. We pass every hurdle in order to celebrate tiny milestones that we have silently counted down too. At twenty-four weeks she became viable for life outside the womb and had a chance at life. At twenty-eight weeks her lungs developed even more and she may only need a little assistance to help her breath if she joined us now. Now at thirty weeks her little body regulates its own temperature and she is 3 pounds giving her even more strength to fight through every day. 

I long for her. I long for him to see her for the first time and realize his life has a new meaning with a purpose greater than himself.......greater than myself. She truly is beautiful and her face is the most angelic face I have ever seen. The doctors make sure I see her as much as possible to keep me motivated as the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter with each passing day. Our team reminds me that it is now their job to carry the burden of fear and uncertainty. I have done all that I can and continue to fight against myself. As I grow weary she grows stronger for both of us. 

She will be here soon, sooner than any of us had anticipated. Today we are ten weeks away from her due date and we now know that ten weeks is impossible. We hold our breath praying for just seven more weeks but know that our sweet angel may be here in as little as five weeks. I have five more weeks of just her and I before I have to share her with the world. I no longer remember a time when she was not in existence. Maybe there was always a part of her inside of me just waiting knowing how our story would read. Knowing with every turn of the page memories would fill in the blank spaces. Spaces belonging only to us. 

We are almost there sweet girl. I pray for you to hang on tight as the road gets bumpy. Remember we are strong on our own but together the two of us are unstoppable.