In a single moment the gravitational pull of your world shifts. The sun rises on the other side of the horizon. The moon sets only after it bows out of its final performance. Time did not exist before as you once thought. Moments of the past and people you once knew are such hazy memories you question if they ever even existed. At this moment there is only one thing you know for certain, life ended and was jolted awake once more with her single first momentous breath followed by the cry that echoed around your world announcing that she had arrived.
It was not easy. There were moments of terror for everyone in the room. Beds were padded for seizure activity. Medications were administered in order to keep me safe as well as the life of the little one kicking inside. It is too early kept echoing through my head. I could not run from the reality of the situation. The doctors from the NICU came in to prepare us for what we would be embarking on in a matter of moments. Nurses tried to fill the empty space between passing time with excitement reminding us that we would be meeting our baby girl in a matter of moments........it was still too soon.
I could not keep her safe. I could not allow her to continue to grow within. Her special spot was making her sick. Her life force was being drained by a tired placenta. Mom was getting sicker not by the week but by the day. As protein built up the kidneys were not working. One life was not in danger, two lives were at risk. This was all explained in detail after forty eight hours of induction. It was time for our baby girl to truly come home. We were both better off separated physically only to be joined emotionally. Baby girl, it was a journey we went on together and one that we knew would have an end. We knew this was our path. We knew this was the end to this adventure that would direct us down the path to start another still together.
As the doctor moved quickly I remember him saying to us.......mom and dad are you ready to meet your daughter because here she comes. Wait, did he just call me mom?!?!?! In mere seconds that is exactly what I became. I became a mom. She entered my life in haze of movement and cries not only from her beautiful strong lungs but from a broken heart that finally understood why. Life made sense for the first time in thirty seven years. My desire to be a mom, I understood it. I was made for this little girl the moment I took my first breath just as she was made for me the moment she took hers.
In three hours my daughter Lillian Grace will be one week old. One week.......a week that has left me wondering how she did not exist beforehand. I do not remember a day without her or a night I did not close my eyes only to see her face in the darkness. I know her mouth that smiles as she sleeps. Her brow furrows as she tries to open her eyes. Her cry is not an angry cry but one that is just letting you know she is there so please do not forget. There is a gentleness to her tiny soul. A love that seems impossibly big due to her tiny size. She fights everyday in the NICU reminding us that she already defies what others expect of her. There are no limitations to what she can and will do........she is her mother's daughter.
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