Minutes turn to hours, hours bleed into one another to form days and days slip through my hands like tiny granules of sand. They move so quickly in sequence and yet I step away and watch them fall through the hourglass of time. Each hour that melts into the day is one more that has been bestowed upon me. I have been given a gift and these last few moments we have together I feel the enormous weight of what is about to occur. I push the thought from my mind and once more focus on the hours and days slipping through our fingers buying us another moment in time where success is measured in stability and not constant change.
Today I took the first steps toward the end of this journey. The preparation for her early arrival has begun. Tomorrow I take the last shot that will allow my daughter to take her first breath into her new existence without pain and struggle. Her brain will have less chance to bleed and her tiny tummy will be able to absorb the nutrients needed in order for her to come home to us. This tiny person who I have truly grown from the mere moment when she was just a thought, a wish, a dream......I truly have found my superpower.
My angel will be a preemie. To tiny for bright lights. To tiny for a bottle. To tiny to be held. Larger than life with a heart so big it will be hard to contain within herself. Her path through life will begin and it may not start on the footing we had hoped to give to her but it will start on a path built with love by family, friends and community. I will stand next to her as she fights for her life and when she falls on difficult times I will fight for her.
I have started to reflect on this entire journey as it comes to an end. A journey that does not start with a map you can hold but a map imprinted on your heart. It lead me through meandering overgrown paths to water where my soul could drink. There could be no planning.....no forethought. It is a journey only you can feel yourself through. The darkness is lonely and terrifying but when the sun rises a warmth encompasses your entire being reminding you that within fear is love, hope and beauty. You are reminded that as hours bleed into one another and form days that there is a tomorrow. A tomorrow where you are blessed to once more try again.
I can only imagine what it will feel like as I watch her take her first breath. I can only imagine what her tiny cry will sound like as it is already my favorite song. I can only imagine what the fear of today will feel like as it begins to live outside of myself. I can only imagine the true feeling of unconditional love that I thought I already knew. I can only imagine looking to the Heavens and receiving a gift passed down to me to safely keep until we are called home once more. I can only imagine.........I am ready for you Lillian Grace. It is ok to come early for you are already so loved that there is only one outcome for you and me.......life.
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