Education has always been very important to my family. My mama was unable to go to college and graduate because of us girls. She took night classes here and there but her real calling in this life was being our mom and making sure we had everything we needed. Just because she did not go to college does not mean she took our education lightly. Holly and I both had to get good grades and if we even got a C in a class we were grounded! She set very high expectations for us and in the end it paid off. Holly now has her Master's Degree in Psychology and I have my Bachelor's Degree in Accounting! Her persistence truly paid off for my sister and I!
I am an educated adult who went after one of the most challenging degrees. I had to write papers, analyze the stock market, make speeches and understand every in and out of accounting! I have a sense of pride that I could never begin to explain to you! So, the next thought leaves me perplexed at times.........why do I feel so dumb at this point????
One of the more frustrating symptom's of Lupus is brain fog. I must say, I have been suffering and struggling with this over the last six months........probably over the last few years! I am forgetful, loose things and just stumble on so many words. This is actually very common symptom affecting the central nervous system for Lupus patients..........so common that 70 to 90% of us will suffer from it at one point or another in our life with our disease. Just because it is common does not make it any easier to handle.
Forgetfulness is very common with aging or even very busy people. Some of you will shake your head and say yes, I have dealt with that but for me, age 33, it is debilitating at times. I will forget everything from a name of someone I have met numerous times to looking at objects and forgetting what they are! I will but the milk in the cabinet and keys in the fridge.......not on purpose! The last time I did laundry I ran a whole load of clothes through the washer and when the washer stopped I realized I had forgot the clothes! I know this is frustrating for Tim but it is exhausting for me.
The inability to form words from my thoughts is difficult for me to grasp and understand. I will have a complete thought, know what I want to say and stumble through the entire thing when I am expressing my thoughts. This is what makes me feel the most inadequate. There are even times where I will avoid talking on the phone or seeing friends because my flair is causing me so much trouble and my brain fog is out of control! It is not only heartbreaking for me but it is so embarrassing and it makes me just want to curl up in a ball and cry at times but as I have mentioned before there is no time for tears when fighting Lupus!
My last year in college was the most difficult for me. I believed that I was suffering from a very common illness SENIORITIS and was just ready to be done with school but I knew it was so much deeper than that. It was very hard for me to focus, to retain information and to form my sentences in an orderly manner while taking tests. Tim can tell you that I spent almost all of my final year in college crying! I had convinced myself that I just could not do this. I even went as far as calling my advisor to see if I qualified for a degree in a less challenging field. Of course the answer was no and if I wanted to graduate it was time to just get through it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh............how do you just get through it when this is your life?????????
Finally I decided I was not going to have this break down and I was going to do whatever it took to finish school. I went to my doctor and explained everything! He informed me that this was very common and will come and go through out the rest of my life. He did tell me that we could look into some medicine to help me calm down and not get so worked up. That is when we deiced to take Paxil. Yes, it is an antidepressant BUT remember that it calms the brain down which in return allows me to concentrate and retain a little more information. I was very hesitant but threw my hands up in the air and told my doctor lets just give this a try.
In the end I graduated from college on the target date when I was 31. Yes, it may have taken me longer than most but the fight I had been through made it worth it!
I still struggle on a daily basis with this fog head but I feel better knowing that it is actually "normal" for someone like me. I am still very self conscious when I talk to others and the memory issue comes and goes. At home I have certain rituals that help me. The keys go in the drawer at the bottom of the steps. Phone chargers stay in the bedroom. Just making small changes like those are very helpful to me. I know my brain fog will come and go and there will be days I struggle more than others but I need to remind myself that I am intelligent and the things I have to say are worth listening to even if I stumble and fall a few times on the way!
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