Fear

When I was a kid I would sneak and watch scary movies telling myself that my mama was wrong and I was old enough. I would watch them and almost jump out of my britches during those silly scary moments! It was so much fun! What I didn't take into consideration is how I would feel after watching the movie. I would lay in bed and every shadow was a ghost, every noise was Freddy Krueger scraping his nails and every dream was a nightmare! Holly, my sister, and I shared a room and I would sneak into her bed at night just so I would not be afraid. Yes, I also logically told myself that she is now closer to the door.......the ghosts will have to take her first! Sorry Holly, I love you! After all of this I still watch scary movies and yes, I still run from the bathroom to the bed room because the ghosts are chasing me, I just know it!  

For me, fear is not just something I feel after a scary movie, it is a constant feeling that can grip your mind and bury itself in your soul. For me, running from fear is not as easy as going from one room to the other. I can not escape the fear that haunts me when it comes to my disease. Instead of seeing ghosts I feel a new pain or a new sensation that you know is not right. I find myself asking questions on my Lupus forum just to see if anyone else experiences these new feelings. My biggest fear is that something will go wrong internally and it will alter my life even more. I am afraid of my kidneys failing. I am afraid I will have a stroke because my blood pressure is high even on two medications. I am afraid that one morning I will not be able to dress myself and I will become even more dependent on my loved ones than I already am. I am afraid that some loved ones will not be able to handle the future with me and the elephant in the room called Lupus. I know, these are a lot of things to be afraid of but they are real for me in that moment.

Fear can be paralyzing and can lead to a more secluded life and mental state. This can not only debilitate you emotionally, it can change your life in a physical way. So, how do we deal with this fear? This is not only a question for others who suffer from an autoimmune disease, it is a question for everyone who at one time or another has let fear change their life. I have learned to truly take responsibility for what I am feeling. The first thing we have to do is acknowledge that fear exists for us. You can not do this by just mentally thinking it......you really have to do something to express it. You can write it down, tell a friend or discuss it with your doctor. For me, it is my best friend and partner , Tim, who helps me navigate through my fears. You will be surprised how much has been lifted off of your shoulders just by telling someone what you are feeling. It allows you to again move through life and get on with your day. Believe me, you will still have moments where fear stops you in your tracks and that is ok but knowing how to deal with fear at that moment is a life saver!

While laying in bed as a kid I would run though my mind all of the special ways I could fight off the ghosts in my shadows. They were my bag of tricks and they would save me! Today, I have new tools and dealing with fear is one of the most important. So, next time you are afraid just think of your special bag of tricks you have. You do have a special tool in your bag and it is just simple communication! Just pull it out when you are ready and fight your heart out and you will see that fear is just as self created as those ghosts in the corner.