There are moments in my life when I just want to jump out of my car in the middle of the freeway and yell at the world! I want to tell the world and everyone in it to just stop and let me get my bearings on my life. I want to scream at everyone that I am not ok and I need you to know that! I want to scream that I have a disease that has changed my life and I need to catch up because I feel like I am constantly falling behind. I want to revert back to being a toddler and stop my feet, throw things and just slam a door! I need to get it out and I need to be heard!!!!!
Lupus can be a very lonely and angry disease and it can make you feel so isolated. I am always surrounded by love and support but even with all of that love and support loneliness and even anger tends to creep up and grip you from behind with no warning at all. Everyone tries to understand what you are going through. They ask questions and I am always happy to answer them but afterwards it can be hard. You realize that even thought they want to know they will never feel what it is like having Lupus. You are alone with your disease and angry with your disease!
This loneliness and anger can leave you with a lot of questions for yourself with no answers. The doctors can not fix this with a magic pill. It is just something you have to blindly feel your way through. We have to learn to cope with this loneliness and this anger on our own and in our very personal, individualized ways. I can do it and you can do it! We just have to remind ourselves that this loneliness and anger does not hold on for ever, it tends to let go and may creep back up on your from time to time.
With all of that said, feel free to stomp your feet, throw something (preferably soft) and slam a door! Get angry and feel what it is you need to feel! Go back to being three! It really does help! It helps the frustrations, loneliness and anger. It allows you to be heard! When all of that is over and you have slammed enough doors and yelled as loud as you can remember to tell yourself that this too shall pass and happier days are ahead and it is time to pick yourself back up, dust off your shoulders and move along.
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