Change

I would say that the last six months of our lives have been filled with change.......some good change like Tim getting a great job offer and some bad change like Tim having to move to New Mexico for about seven months. Both changes will have a positive end result even if they don't feel good right now. We have to stay focused on the future to get us through the tough times today! 

Another change that we have recently made is concerning me and my health. I have been sick since last September. I have been off of antibiotics maybe three weeks during that period of time. I am not sure what set the flare off all I know is that is has not improved. I come in contact with yucky cooties all day everyday at the office and with an already compromised immune system it was just a battle I could not win. I fought long and hard but in the end we had to really step away from the situation and look at it from the outside in. Tim and I went back and forth trying to weight the benefits and the losses and everyone involved ended up at the same conclusion........it was time to go on short term disability. Our doctors, employers, co-workers and both Tim and I agreed that this was the best thing for me. I could focus on staying well and could really take care of myself. Tim has taken on this decision and has saved my life. 

I know this is the best choice for me but it does not mean that I don't wrestle with my own demons regarding this choice. I am terrified of not working! So many of us are defined by what we do outside of our home and a lot of us take pride in it. I loved telling people I was an accountant.......I know, that is odd all by itself but it is the truth! I felt it was my purpose and it was what I could do to help our family save for fun things in the future. Having this taken away has really left me thinking who am I now and what on earth will I do with myself? I just graduated college a year ago and I went to work for the State of Arizona. I had amazing co-workers surrounding me. Actually, they were more than just my co-workers, the were my work family and some of my closest friends. I miss them everyday. I worry about Tim carrying the burden of our lives on his shoulders. I worry about the general long and time consuming process that involves our disability system. I think the only time I am not worrying is when I am sleeping AND sometimes I dream about worrying!!!!!! 

Today. Today is the day I let all of the worries mentioned above slip through my fingers. Today I will walk on the treadmill because that will help me feel better. Today I will be a shoulder for Tim to lean on when life is overwhelming. Today I go back to being me. I go back to the heart of everything!!!!! I know I have mentioned this before, I was not prepared for what being sick meant and I am thankful for that. I will not let Lupus define me or who I am and I will not let the life choices we have to make weigh me down. Today I am lucky! I am lucky to have a Timmy that is the most amazing man in the world......sorry ladies, he is taken!  He makes sure I am healthy and has taken it up to a whole new level. No  one can prepare you for these decisions you, as a strong Lupus survivor, must remember that life is not a flat straight road and there will be bumps, dips and you may even get lost BUT hold on to who you were before you got sick, who you have become and I promise you that you will never be far from the life you are supposed to lead and the loved ones who surround you.