No one prepares you for the emotional roller coaster you and your loved ones will go on when you are chronically ill. The doctors never mentioned the sadness and struggle everyone round you, including yourself, will have to go through on a daily basis. There are days where you look in the mirror and try to remember the young, vibrant self that existed when you were younger. I try to remember what life feels like when you are not constantly in some type of pain. I hate the idea of going to work, only to worry about what yucky bacterial or viral infection you will take home. It is heart breaking!
These thoughts can be as debilitating as the disease itself. One of many things I have picked up on my own is the result of positive thinking! I am home today and was only able to work for four hours. I am glued to the couch resting (and typing) and this is enough to send anyone into depression but no, that is not aloud in my home! Timmy always tells me when he starts to see that bottom lip pop out, pull it in or a bird will poo on it! Normally this works and makes me smile but there are some days you have to rely on your own thoughts and heart to get you through the tough times. Today and everyday I am lucky. I am able to wake up and see the sun shining, even if it is only through my bedroom window. I can call my mama everyday and watch my beautiful nieces grow up! Life could always be worse than it is right now. I am so thankful for just being alive! At anytime for any of us, it could end. I want whomever I leave behind to be able to look at everyone and recall I smiled everyday even through the pain. I want them to remember my laughter and not my tears. I want to be an inspiration to my family so that they will continue to hold their heads high even when it would be easier to look down.
I choose to live. Tim and I are not married and we started dating after I got sick. We have been together for 5 1/2 years. Everyday Tim chooses to live.... he chooses to live with me and Lupus. We come as a package and to love me is to love all of me, which he does! Sometimes I think about him and wonder how did I get so lucky?!?!?! We choose to love life together and get through this one day at a time. That, for me, makes those debilitating ideas disappear and it allows me to accept myself just the way I am.
Unfortunately, everyday will not be a good day and we will get sad and we will want to hide under our covers but we can't. Life is to short to live like that! So, today when you are leaving work, cooking dinner or spending time with your family......look a little harder at the blue skies and feel the sun hit your arms......tell your better half that you are thankful for them and the unconditional love they give and make those ragamuffins laugh a little more and stay up a few minutes longer!!!! Open your hearts and minds and feel a little bit more today than yesterday!!!
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